rant

why do you guys never tell me anything anymore? did you consider that going to do something and telling me 30 minutes before you do it hurts me? well it does. i especially liked it when neither you nor gayle told me, but tracy did. thats messed up, considering you were with me all day and could have mentioned it. but you didn't. i also hate the fact that you don't tell me whats going on in the family anymore. like telling me that Kat was pregnant. did you or gayle say anything about it to me, no. but shanie did. i'm willing to bet you wouldn't have told me about the vegas trip until a couple days before if i hadn't found out. these are just the ones i've got off the top of my head. instead you choose to leave me in the dark, just like mom did. that hurts dad, real bad. did you ever think that doing this influences what i do, cuz i don't think you did. did you know that i hardly ever let my gaurd down anymore? i don't, except when i see tori once a week. i didn't ever tell you that cuz i'm terrified that you won't let me go see her anymore. i'm not breaking any of your rules either, i don't go anywhere with her, i just talk. i don't let myself hope anymore either. did you ever wonder why i'm always in my room? it's cuz every time i try to hang out with you guys, you talk about things i don't understand and i feel awkward and left out. then you get mad at me for sitting quietly thinking i'm using an attitude, or you critisize/put me down. i don't see anything good in that so i just remove myself from it and hang out in my room. i want my old daddy back, the fun one, the one that listened to me. have you noticed that we don't really do anything fun together anymore? its all work and chores. ever think that maybe instead of giving me chores when i say i'm bored you could do something fun? no that doesn't mean spending money all the time. there are things called boardgames and movies. hell arts and crafts even! i used to tell you things, almost everything. but now i don't. i don't even tell gayle anything anymore. everytime i do you just tell me off or something. maybe i just want to vent, want you to listen so i can get it off my chest. instead i keep things from you. i hold everything in until something triggers a meltdown. do you know of anything going on at school? i'd bet money that you don't. know the sad part, my sister, shanie and peanut, poppy, tori, tori's mom, and lizzie do, but you and gayle don't. aren't i supposed to be able to tell you anything? but i hesitate cuz i'm scared you'll yell or get mad or punish me or something. you didn't used to do that, you used to listen or try to help. you used to include me in things. you used to keep me in the loop. what happened to that? i want that daddy back. i want my friend back. i don't want a drill sargent or a warden. i don't want to get yelled at cuz i'm late getting home when you don't even know why. i don't want to feel like dirt cuz i got a B. i want my dad back.